I figured it out after Tharak asked me. I'm eighteen now.

Dammit, I can't run this place by myself, Peke. Just who is the master here anyway? I do all of the work. *sighs* I guess that's my job. For being in the same positions (master's pet) our functions are so different.

I miss Tharak so badly. I want him back. Actually, I just want to leave now. I'm tired of this and so are they. Peke doesn't understand his little harem at all.

I miss them and I hate it. *sighs* I'm so glad to see Jess again but I want to see my Hotohori and Dimitri. And Leon. Probably him most of all. If only I could see them without the Peke attached.

Fuck.

I fucking hate this world. I hate this hiding and I hate Jaharb and I hate all of them distracting him and I wish everyone would all just fucking go away!

Except Leon, of course. We still need to go home.

One of the few bad things about hanging frequently around Tharak (besides being constantly annoyed by him) is that I am one of the "privileged" few who get to see Jaharb outside of the classes he teaches. It doesn't happen often, but happening at all is still too much for my tastes. Since Tharak is his... I don't know, just "his" will suffice, I guess... he sometimes comes looking for him in his off hours when he's bothering hanging around me. Whenever he looks at me, even if it's just a passing glance, I get this sudden desire to take a long shower with about three times the soap I usually use. If I get touched (which has happened very few times, thank you God) I want to replace the soap with bleach. Something about him makes my skin crawl. I don't know what, and I don't know why. I just want him to stay far away.

Except that way back in my head, some part of me doesn't. I'm just going to tell myself that it's the Stockholm syndrome beginning to make an appearance and go see if Tharak has managed to land himself in any more trouble.

Relationships seem to be something like contracts. I've always been good with them. So why do I feel as though I've forgotten to read the fine print?

Whoa, I have muscle definition? When the hell did that happen?

I've never felt so embarrassed in my life... I can't beleive he'd watch something like that! (Well, I can see him doing it. But not here. Not now. And when I was with Leon...) I can't believe I didn't notice! I mean, I'm very into sex and all, but you'd think I'd realize my master was sitting in my head spectating. (Though it was Leon. And it was rather exciting.) Arrrgh. Moving on.

I think I can see why Leon is where he is here. Kind of. He should practice more, though. I mean, I stabbed him three times. You can't just let people do that to you.

Maybe I'll write more later. My head hurts. Blood loss perhaps. I'm going back to sleep now.

.... Oh GOD. I can't say I'm fond of the idea of voyeurs. I'm going to be cringing about that for weeks. Not to mention I may act a bit odd if we ever meet.

The hell with finesse. I think I'll simply tackle him, hold him down and play with claws. From what I've heard of Jaharb, that should get an reaction from his little pet.

Okay, so Dimitri is really weird. For some reason it's really important that I like it. So I tried to explain to it that it's not that I don't like it, I just don't like what it is. So simple, yet I don't think it really gets it. At least it doesn't look so sad. (I'm a sucker for anyone with a inkling of Sidney-ness in them, I swear.)

Hotohori is still giggling. I still don't know why. Tease. (At least he's not as bad as Fuenf. That one is driving me crazy!)

Speaking of Fuenf, I have to say I really like him. (He speaks a civilized language! Yay! He's so cute! Yay!) He's one of the finest one's here, I think. Though Ivan isn't bad either. Excuse me while I take a few moments to stare. (So hot! So hot!)

Leon, however, is still the most confusing thing on the planet. What does he want from me? Arrgh. Damn demons. Damn really hot demons.

I can’t seem to find Hotohori. Maybe he’s with Leon or something. Crap. That really blows.

Of course Mr. Cute has to with Mr. Asshole when I want him. (He is so cute! He’s gorgeous and he does this giggly thing at me that’s just adorable! Except I’m not sure why he does that. He kinda said it’s because I like him? The hell? I know I’m not the only one here who does. Oh well.)

Leon’s such a pain. He’s so confusing. I don’t know whether I want to kill him or get down on my knees and beg him to fuck me. (I love how everyone around here’s so fine.) I mean, he’s hot and he feeds me (His cooking’s like magic or something! I can’t remember when I last got something edible at home.), and he outranks me big time (So I naturally want him. He doesn’t seem to get it though. He’s older, a demon, and this is his place; he obviously is way above me. But he said something about us being equals. See what I mean about confusing?), plus he said he wants me for something other than me ass, which is nice. (I wonder what it is though?) But then he outranks me (Which, while rather alluring, is irksome.), and half the time he’s a total jerk, and he loves that Dimitri thing… I don’t know. I’m so confused.

What is it with Dimitri anyway? It’s obvious it’s lacking something; I just say a soul ‘cause that’s what I think it is. I mean, a soul is like your being right? And my will is the center of my being. So if I had no will I’d be a soulless freak like it is, right? See? Dimitri has no soul.

I wonder what Jesse’d think of this place. Knowing him, he'd probably get into more trouble than I have. He'd probably go after Francois or something and get ripped to pieces by Aryan. That'd be tragic. I wouldn't really blame him though. Francois' hot too.

I miss Jesse. A little, I mean.

I miss him too. A lot, actually. I miss knowing my place and being someone's all the time. It's nice to have a break though.

Tharak, I am going to kill you personally. Of all the lies to get away with... I'm such an idiot. (Now you've done it. I'm going to memorize your schedule so you can never pull the "I have a class" thing again.) Well, I don't have a roommate to worry about for a while. But Jesus! You can't beat up/stab/whatever anybody that does something to me. That's two in as many days! Being this protective of me is not going to look good to him, plus there's the fact that you can't always be there and I need to learn how to fend for myself.

Still blocked on the sleepwalking problem, but at least now I can tie my wrist to the bedpost or something. That would have been asking for it with the lunatic I managed to end up with. I heard a rumor today that he was open for a roommate because he killed his former one. Lovely. -_-;

Today I managed to get whacked over the head four different times (one of which knocked me out for a few seconds) and aquire countless new bruises. Also on the list is twisting my ankle and jamming a toe on the same foot. I hope I'm not too obviously limping. I just love the "teaching" here with weapons. It consists of them giving you one that hopefully is approximately made for your size, showing you how to hold it, then magically expecting you to know what to do. Owwww. At least my instructor was nice enough to hit with the flat of the blade.

Oddly, out of all these injuries clamoring for my attention the winner is my fingers, which I don't remember hurting. They feel like I have splinters shoved underneath my fingernails. This happened once before when I was twelve and went away in about a week -- I hope it does the same now. Just what I need, my body deciding to make things hurt even more then they already do.

How can the highest-ranked student in this place be such an idiot?! I'm not worth the amount of trouble that he's going to get himself into. I can take care of myself, as shocking as the concept may be. I'm not that breakable. After all, I'm still alive.

Maybe I'll start hanging around the kitchens in earnest. Nobody ever goes there unless they have to, so I'm pretty safe unless the cook complains to him. (Now I'm doing it. Is there some taboo against names here?)

Sleepwalking problem remains unresolved. Nobody can think of anything feasible to do about it, so I'm left with praying that it will go away on its own. Hasn't worked so far -- this morning I woke up in one of the classrooms. (As if I don't spend enough time there already. I hate the world. Thank you.)

Airports can -really- suck.

More later.

If I'm not granted privileges to go out Saturday and -alone-, I am going to fucking -kill- someone.

Wallowing in darkness that seeps through the trees
I heard your throat call through antiquity freeze
Who is not to blame.
Who is not to blame.

Your laughter prying rhythm within a cage
The thickets about me were tangled in age
Who has caused me shame.
Who has caused me shame.

I am still without your silence
I am still
Without your silence
And I will without your violence
And I will
Without your violence
I miss you
I've missed you
And I've always twisted you
One day the twist won't be on me

By swallowing my breath I thought I could please
The surrounding shrouds sway any passing breeze
Who began this game.
Who began this game.

By spying through thorns and a translucent stage
I thought what I wrote would help turning a page
Who might stay the same.
Who might stay the same.

I am shrill without your silence
I am shrill
Without your silence
And I kill without your violence
And I kill
Without your violence
I miss you
I'll kiss you
And I've always twisted you
One day the twist won't be on me

By following shadows to see what he sees
By bleeding my eyes I've determined that he's
Who I will claim.
Who I will claim.

From knots of desire he can disengage
But snarls will subdue him in wildest rage
Who can I name.
Who can I name.

Still and shrill without your silence
Still and shrill
Without your silence
Will we kill without your violence
We will kill
Without your violence
I miss you
I'm with you
And I've always twisted you
One day the twist won't be on me

Spent a fun, fun day with Leon getting him (-trying- to get him) new clothes. He is so picky... yeesh. Unfortunately, Irvine had finals. I could have used his help, because the consensus of both of them is that I have no fashion sense whatsoever. I don't think my clothes are unfashionable, they're just plain. Oh well. I'll never convince them that this is a good thing. (I look -really- stupid in anything that's not casual.)

We were out all day going from place to place. It's a good thing I can drive, because we went all over town. We did go on foot a fair amount of the time, and I had to keep dragging him out of goth/punk/generally creepy stores. I never knew he liked shopping so much. Correction: he likes shopping if he's shopping for -his- preferred style of dress. Going into those places to haul him out is an experience I will never forget, although I would certainly like to. I got more then a few extremely interesting looks, and a couple of very disturbing comments. Leon said it's because I look so innocent. I don't want to know. (And I'm not that innocent looking. >.<) I guess a blonde haired guy in those types of stores isn't something you see every day. My hair's not dyed or anything, either.

So, enough about that. We managed to come out of that exercise with some clothes that will not make your eyes fall out for Leon, although not enough. I had to pay for most of them because Leon doesn't have any money, but that's okay. He says he'll pay me back, and I know he'll try, but I won't let him. He managed to snatch a few things he liked at those -other- stores (I let him pay for those) so he isn't whining too much. I don't know exactly what he got, which is just fine with me.

Oh, here's Irvine. Off to console him. Every year he thinks he's gotten a D or something on his finals, when it turns out he got A's or B's. From his expression, this year is no exception.

Off for our traditional "the term is over thank you GOD" pizza!

I'm tired of smelling blood. I don't need encouragement to speak my language, but I react to physical disapproval more so than vocal disapproval.

Blood courses through my veins as a tranquil blue river. But uncovered, it is a frightened and feral volcano. It feels very true that to be bloodless is to be weak in nature.

This stated, there is little I can do. I will continue to smell blood, and long after I have washed the stains from my clothing. It is an exhausting thought. But perhaps a later entry will smother me with another smell. At the moment, I look forward to this.

I, apparently, am going to Japan. I'm still not sure how this came about -- I took one look at Zoe's journal entry and my eyes crossed. Then again, most of his entries are like that.

What the hell am I going to wear in Japan?

Tokyo, hmm? For some reason, the thought of that city has always made me a bit uneasy. I don't know why.

Zoe is absolutely hyper today. Therefore, I've spent most of my time today studying at coffee shops. I believe he thinks that he got a good grade on his final.

I really am sick of the sight of this textbook. I cannot wait until finals are over. Then, summer break and Japan.

I've been uneasy again lately. The dreams have started up again -- ones where I wake up knowing something important was in them, but I have no memory of what it might be. Perhaps I should ask Irvine to give me a tarot card reading. He's talented at that type of thing.

I'm going to Japan!

How it came about:

I was mooching around at a family reunion when I ran into second-cousin-twice-removed or something like that. I don't know him very well -- just that he's very rich. Anyway, after the obligatory how-are-you-you've-grown-since-I've-seen-you (he actually said that) he mentioned that he'd never given me a high school graduation gift. He said it had been niggling at his mind for a while, blah blah blah, and how would I like to go to Japan for my belated gift?

I started listening to him then. He does a lot of buisness in Japan, apparently, and has a place reserved for him when he comes there on his frequent buisness trips. He said I could bring friends. He said he'd pay for everything, within reason. We could stay for a month if we liked. Then came a ramble on how international travel was immeaurably rewarding, especially if if was to a country with a culture much different then our own.

I am in total shock. I think he just offered because he couldn't think of anything else. I don't really care one way or another.

Irvine's estatic. Leon's excited too, though not as vocally as the two of us. (They're my housemates and friends, for those who don't know.)

I don't speak a word of Japanese, but that's okay. Luckily, Irvine studied it for three or fout years. It's my personal theory that he picked that language to study so he could read dirty manga. (He's never admitted to this.) So we'll make him do all the work.

The only thing I'm worried about at the moment is Leon's... interesting dress style. I know Japan's a pretty conservative country, so he'll have to tone it down in a major way. He gets enough odd looks in -this- country with his black and white makeup, fishnet, and what-not. I'm not even sure if he owns any normal clothes.

I'm going to run around and bounce off of the walls in excitement now. See ya!